The New Homeland Security: Dolphins & Seals

We can all sleep well at night, knowing that the great defenders of our country may soon be dolphins and seals. Yes, that's right!! Dolphins and seals!!

In a notice published in this week's Federal Register, the Navy said it needs to bolster security at Naval Base Kitsap-Bangor, located on the Puget Sound close to Seattle. The base is home to submarines, ships and laboratories and is potentially vulnerable to attack by terrorist swimmers and scuba divers, the notice states.

Ooh, I'm scared of those evil terrorist swimmers and scuba divers. Give us a break already!! Let's take the Navy seriously for a moment. Let's take them at their word that we must protect ourselves against attack by terrorist swimmers and scuba divers. What the hell is a dolphin or a seal going to do? Bite the terrorist? Arrest the terrorist? Kill the terrorist? Oh wait, I called it!! Read the following excerpt:

Lapuzza said because of their astonishing sonar abilities, dolphins are excellent at patrolling for swimmers and divers. When it detects a person in the water, a Navy dolphin drops a beacon.

This tells a human interception team where to find the suspicious swimmer.

Sea lions can carry in their mouths special cuffs attached to long ropes. If the animal finds a rogue swimmer, it can clamp the cuff around the person's leg. The individual can then be reeled in for questioning.

Hell, why not give them a badge and a gun? After all, the Navy's going to equip the seals with the ability to essentially arrest a "rogue" swimmer.

How exactly are these dolphins and seals going to determine who is a terrorist swimmer or scuba diver, and who isn't? I'm sure the Navy will tell us, or perhaps that can't be disclosed due to National Security reasons. Maybe terrorists swimmers and scuba divers have a distinct smell. Maybe they'll wear particular swim gear. Maybe they'll wear a sign on their swim gear that says "Yes, I'm a terrorist swimmer or scuba diver. What of it?" Maybe they'll just look like a terrorist. Jesus Christ, you can't make this shit up!!

Don't worry America!! Dolphins and seals will protect you, and keep this country safe from the evil-doers of the world!! Let us salute the brave dolphins and seals who serve this country. It is because of them that we are able to swim and scuba dive in terrorist-free waters.