I Wish I Were In Paris

From war to peace and politics to gossip, if we have an opinion on something we'll share it here.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

The True Story: Florida Governor Jeb Bush Runs For His Life

And now, because FUX News can do it, I, too, can celebrate ten years of propaganda and made up stories by showing you exactly how I would have reported the Jeb In A Closet story.

To wit...

Florida Governor Jeb Bush Runs For His Life

Police Go Crazy To Protect Governor Not Even From Pennsylvania
By My Brother/B.S. News-Gazette

Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, in town for a fund-raiser for Sen. Rick Santorum, ran like a little girl from a large group of protesters as he was making his way to the Duquesne Club, Downtown.

It was about 4:15 yesterday when Mr. Bush saw the protesters and had to put his hand in his pants' pocket to control his bladder as the group gathered on the corner of Liberty and Sixth avenues. The protesters were marching to join other pickets already gathered in front of the exclusively White, Rich and Republican club, a little more than a block away at 325 Sixth Ave.

Protesters said Gov. Bush looked "as though he was going to either puke or piss his pants or both" as he scanned the crowd of about 900 chanting pickets that was made up of United Steelworkers and members of Uprise Counter Recruitment, a tour traveling through 22 cities to support anti-war efforts.

As the crowd came closer, they chanted slogans such as "Jeb, go home" and "Scaredy Cat, Scaredy Cat, Jeb Bush Is A Big Fat Rat".

Mr. Bush, accompanied by a horde of security guards and what appeared to be a couple of female hookers (though one did have a moustache and answered to the name of Fred), beat a hasty retreat toward the T-station at Wood Street.

"He was quickly getting out of the way and not wanting to engage us," said Jon Vandenburgh, one of the protesters, who also is a researcher for the United Steelworkers. "You could tell that he was really afraid of us. Not like he was just-concerned afraid but out-of-his-mind-with-fear afraid. You know?"

Once in the subway station, Mr. Bush scurried to the escalators and descended to the mezzanine level, Mr. Vandenburgh said.

"He was going so fast that you could really only see a blur," Mr. Vandenburgh said.

By now, Mr. Bush was cornered. He was surrounded by signs that said "Pittsburgh is a Santorum Free Zone," "Honk if you're sick of Rick," and a crowd growing increasingly louder, according to Mr. Vandenburgh.

"We don't want you here," protesters chanted.

Port Authority spokesman Bob Grove said six to seven hundred police officers had to be called in control the crowds.

He said Mr. Bush had been walking in the area near the T-station and the incident happened spontaneously when about 50 pickets "tailed him and stayed with him and went into the Wood Street station."

"It was really vicious," Mr. Grove said. "I mean, how dare anyone think that they can walk anywhere near a governor or a senator or a president or, for that matter, a Port Authority spokesman, such as myself?!? I mean, what do they think this is, a free country or something? These people are crazy! Crazy, I tell you!"

About 75 protesters remained on the street, said Mr. Grove.

He said the crowd was asked repeatedly to disperse.

"They wouldn't listen," Mr. Grove said. "Then it got really ugly. Someone said that they had a gun and a bomb and a dog that could kill you just by staring at you. We have to take threats like these seriously."

Mr. Grove said a Port Authority canine unit was called in to offset the dog that can kill just by staring but that, ultimately, the canine unit wasn't needed because "we realized it was just someone playing a prank. After 9/11, though, anything is possible so we had to take all precautions."

Two officers used their tasers to stun two protesters who "were asked to leave, but did not go, because they have some kind of notion that, in America, they're entitled to some kind of inalienable rights. Pssh, imagine!" Mr. Grove said.

The tasers he said were empty of the cartridges that supply a more powerful charge.

"We reserve the use of those more powerful charges for innocent black and Latino people," Mr. Grove explained.

As a precaution, the governor was ushered into a T-station supply closet and stayed there until the crowd left, ten hours later.

No arrests were made and no citations were issued, Mr. Grove said. Mr. Bush was not injured but, according to Mr. Grove, "The governor did have to go wee-wee in his pants and a new pair had to be snuck in, via a ventilation shaft."

The two men who were tasered were damn near electricuted to death, this after they were beaten down with clubs and bitten by the canine unit (both the dogs and their handlers), which finally saw some of the action after all, said David Meieran, with the Thomas Merton Center and one of the protesters with Uprise Counter Recruitment.

Mr. Meieran said that both the Port Authority officers and the police were "out of control".

Pittsburgh police said they never went anywhere near the T-Station but Mr. Meieran said that is clearly a lie as he held up a badge belonging to an officer with whom he had a scuffle.

"As he shoved me backwards, I reached out to catch my balance and ended up ripping off his badge," Mr. Meieran explained. "Realizing what I had in my hand, I bolted into the crowd and blended in."

The entire incident lasted about 50 minutes, resulting in hundreds of injuries to protesters and police alike. After calm was restored and the gunsmoke had cleared, ambulances were called in and the injured hauled away to area hospitals. Even with their ranks halved, protesters bravely made their way back to the Duquesne Club where they staked out the front of the building and an alley entrance.

Mr. Vandenburgh and Mr. Meieran said they later saw Mr. Bush land in a helicopter on the back lawn of the Duquesne Club, flanked by a SWAT team and putting on a bulletproof vest and helmet. The hookers were nowhere in sight, however.

Mr. Vandenburgh and Mr. Meieran said that he was then escorted into the backdoor of the building.

A spokeswoman for Mr. Bush said that "there will be serious reprecussions" for this incident, adding, "How dare anyone think they are free to do what they wish in this country?"


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